some thing that I need to share

I have something that I need to share about me.It is a deep emotional scar that I have.it all stemmed from an incident.I alluded to it on Tracy's site in a comment I made.The problem is that I do not know how to talk about it with out the pain coming back to me.
It is in my nightmares. it is something that happened to me when my Dad flew off the handle before he got all the information.
Here goes nothing. one summer day we were out at my cousin's house,for a summer outing.Keith and I were playing with a balsa wood glider,throwing it back and forth to each outer.When a gust of wind propelled it to the top of the roof where it dangled partially on and partially over the edge of the roof.
I went into the garage and grabbed a strip of wood that you use between paneling that you put up on walls.I used that to knock the plane off the roof.what I did not count on that because it was so flexible.the strip curled backwards striking my sister in the mouth.She went running and crying into the house that I had hit her.Which I did technically.My Dad flew in to a rage and gave me a real bad beating including shoving me into the storm door that was closed in the breezeway.The glass broke cutting my arm slightly,than Dad pushed me into the car and screamed at me not to leave the car. Mean while my cousin was trying to tell every body that is was an accident,and how it happened.
My mom and Aunt came to the car and took me into the house to clean up my arm.fortunately it was just a couple of scrapes that were not too bad once they were cleaned up. needless to say the scene replays in my head every once and a while of being beaten and shoved into glass door until it opened and the glass broke and than being thrown into the red and white colored 1960 Oldsmobile super 88 4 door sedan,that was the family car at the time. I have felt ashamed that this happened to me,and did not share it with too many people until now.I have shared this with every Psych doctor that I have had ever since I was in the air force.

So Far So Good.

Well today is going good so far. I did start visiting a litttle.My comments will be brief for the time being.
This being said,I read a great post today by my friend Jennifer,called beauty.I recomend the read to every one. so much so that it is linked. Needless to say,yes I fit the posting. Hugs and Blessings to every one.

a bad week.

this has been a really bad weeek. lets hope next one will be better. I do not even have the energy to read the posting of all my favorite bloggers. I just marked all 100 as read and did not. I'm sorry for not visiting.

I'm not visiting any one today

I caught my self asking for prayers for the slain officer from Twinsburg Ohio.When I made some comments today. so I stopped visiting the people I visit. I did not want to depress them as I'm feeling today. So the reader will be ignored.I'll get around to visiting soon.

I'm so bummed out.

I am so bummed out about the Twinsburg Police Officer being killed in the line of duty. that I do not feel like commenting any more to day.Maybe tomorrow.

the newest thing on my side bar.

I have added something that I saw on St.NicksBytes. It make a lot of sense so I copied it and added it to my site as well.

This makes 201

This is officially my 201 first posting. I am improving but still have a ways to go.the medication change is just starting to work. Soon maybe I'll be back to writing the silly posting that I used to do. Of course the silly videos do count. My 200 Th postings was the rant about You Tube. Hooray for me.

looking forword to a new day.

My Doctor has made a change in the medications that I take.It may take a week or two to finally kick in fully.Until that time it is one day at a time or if need be five minutes at a time.By the Grace of God,My Wife Celestine and my Doctor and all of your prayers I will get through this.

Friday I was supposed to attend a virtual baby shower.The bad thing is I forgot where I was supposed to be.Some how I had wiped out the site link or blogger wiped it out for me,and like the forgetful person I am I did not write down where I was supposed to be. I'm a little red faced to say the least.I was one of two men that was going to be there.With this being said if anyone knows where I was supposed to be Please let me know.Thank you.

a book called "I'm dancing as fast as I can."

back in the late 70's or Early 80's there was a book written called "I'm dancing as fast as I can",I read this book and I took a lot of good ( I had a different word here and i knew I spelled it wrong but even spell check could not figure out the correct spelling)from it.it helped me through a bad spot in my life.I probably need to read something like that again. I know that I read it in between my failed marriage and my successful one. I'm glad that I have my loving wife and family to help me through this rough road that I'm on again.If the feelings get any worse I'll probably will need to be hospitalized.My wife just said the we will get threw this,it is a struggle that I have fought before and did end up hospitalized because of the attempts made.God please help me.

I was tagged.

I was tagged for a meme. I do intend to do it.I just donot know when I will be doing so.I have been depressed a little more that usual.I have not even been commenting like I usually do.
In fact I may take a day off from blogger and checking on the other blogs as well. See every body when I feel better.

follow up to bad day and a diatribe as well.

as days go today could be worse,but I'm not sure how,I've snapping all day at the better half over dumb and stupid things.I'm afraid that is how I cause most of the fights that we have.
My wife is a good person and I'm a good person,that somehow just does not get it right most of the time.
I guess the depression I feel causes the problems.that started in the service.I don't give a damn if those shrinks that called themselves officers say it is a personality disorder. That is their pat answer for any one who does not fall in line,or cannot handle the stress of being in the military.
If I such a bad problem why did they let me into the USAF in the first place and allow me to serve 3 years,than decided that I'm unfit.What a laugh.All I can hope is that there is a space somewhere they end up going to where they themselves experience all the crap they have dissed out in their careers both in the service and outside of it.
If I come across as a little bitter,well I am.I served my country to the best of my ability.I just would not get down on my hands and knees and kiss the ass of those that had more stripes than I did and they felt that they deserved to have their ass kissed the same way they had to when they did not have stripes.I guess the saying absolute power corrupts absolutely does indeed apply here.
The supervisor I'm referring to was a Tech Sgt.At one point he told me that he did not like me and wished he could take me out back of the building and give me an ass whipping,the he felt I deserved just as it was done to him when he was in the service in the sixties.( at least that is what I'm guessing)He went on to further say I'm going to get rid of you.He did manage to do that,in the form of writing poor performance reports on me.That kept getting me pulled into the squadron commanders office and getting chewed out.Finally the commander said that I will not be allowed to reenlist.and about a month later I was being sent to the psychs office and being diagnosed as having a personality disorder even though that is not what that man said to me,he told me I was manic/depressive and that he will not give me any type of service connected disability. In stead his report read that I had a personality disorder that was prior service and that I should be separated from the service at my commander's discretion,and so that is what was done to me.It did not matter that I did not drink prior service it did not matter that I dod not try to kill myself prior service.all this started while I was in the service and they have the guts to say all that was prior service.Oh I forgot that stuff was convienly not put in my records.so there fore it did not happen.

what a day

today really sucked.I had a bad seizure in my doctors office and while I was returning some dvd's that i barrowed from my brother in law,I blanked out and had a seizure,if he had not grabbed me I would have went down and would have hit my head on the cement or the car that was parked in the driveway next to the side door.

Now I was going to go visit some of the blogs that I visit and I just feel so depressed that I'm doing this posting and shutting down the computer,maybe tomarrow I'll start the two days it takes to make the rounds of all my neighbors,or does it three days to visit everybody??

a visit to the past.

I'm writing this because I feel that I have to,I do not want to lose any blogging friends for what I'm about to say,and if I do lose them well so be it.This is a free country after all,and we are allowed to have differences of opinions.This being said I will now continue to my posting.

I chose to title this a visit to the past for one simple reason.this post started out as a reply to someones comment that they chose to follow. Let's go back in time to a different war.It's the 70's the war in Vietnam was causing a lot controversy,there was war protests,there were some deserters,there were cowards that did not want to serve in the military and fled to Canada.
Then there were some men that show their own brand of loyalty to family,I'm referring to those that did not want to serve in the military because of their beliefs.Those men who refused their draft notices ended up going to prison for their beliefs.
One such person is my friend Irv. He felt so strongly in his beliefs that he refuse to be inducted into the military when he received his draft notice and he ended up going to prison for 2 years,which would have been the time he would of had to serve. Now concisest objectors are nothing new there were those that refuse military service in world war 2 as well. They were offered alternative service instead. Now when the same type of a person expressed those same beliefs they were thrown in prison instead of being an alternative service. So Irv went to Jail for his beliefs,I went into the US Air Force for mine.
This is what made our country so great.I hope that people understand why I wrote this.